If I could sleep forever....

I could forget about everything...

If something doesn't give, then I'm running away. From you, and your cold fingers. From this place, with these people. Everyone is too goddamn righteous to even TRY? What. The. Fuck. IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! My head is about to explode. With anger, and hatred, and sorrow. And to get THAT coming from me? That's a dark place I'm in. I'm so sick of your apologies and your failed "attempts" at soothing things over. I'm sick of your fancy words and your "problems" that, for some reason, are always more important to me than my own. I want to drive my car into the ocean and drown along with all of the fishes and sea life that I find myself so intrigued with. I will die a red-headed mermaid in peaceful bliss and serenity. I want to strangle myself with the elegant scarf that Joe last touched. I want to peel off my skin with my fingernails just so i can tell anyone on the other side that i did it. I keep going around this game that you guys have a name for in the search for the same thing but i can't seem to find it, because I'm just going in circles. My breath keeps getting faster and faster as I seem to remember everything that was good at one point. Where is my dad? Where is Joe? Where am I? Have I gone insane? Does anybody even fucking care? I am going to leave here. somehow someway. I am going to escape this. It's too hard. It's too much. It's too personal. And I can't seem to be able to breathe anymore. Where is everybody? What has happened to us?

And for the record? You can shove your "I love you"'s up your ass. They obviously aren't true. Just another justification to make yourself feel better. You're not in a better place than I am. You're just in a different one.


One goddamn fucking day I will find myself in a beautiful place. But not until I get away from these assholes. So help me god, even if I have to DIE first, I WILL BE IN A BETTER PLACE.

Hey, Mama?

That's quite hilarious, all things considering. You can make silly justifications for everything you've done to yourself. You can use fancy words to make yourself feel right, but you know what? If this is the way you want to behave about things, you deserve to be let go. I don't need you in my life especially when you're un-supportive and you don't try. Funny. All you do is sit in your own safe little world all day and pretend to be a kid then call everyone else lazy. Want to know what its like not to be lazy? Its like going outside every single day with a new perspective on the world. And you can put the blame on everyone else just because it's simply that easy for you, but the fact of the matter is, if you don't like your life, then its your own fault. You can't blame it away. I enjoy my life and I'm cutting out everyone who thrives on making it a little less bearable for me. I don't need you, I don't need your pretense, I don't need your fancy language or lyrics that you only use to make things sound nice and clean. THINGS ARE NOT NICE OR CLEAN ANYMORE. We've all grown up. Maybe it's time you tried it too. And I am more than aware of my own mistakes in life, and I take full responsibility for them. I don't need you demeaning my person or trying to use what I have done to make yourself sound better. You're not better. Nobody is "better" than anyone else. We ALL have our plates full with a full belly. We don't need you to add seconds to our plate because you're full too. Just don't do that. Friends and family fight the hardest because they know that no matter what they say, they'll be back to normal afterwords. It gives them the subconscious relief of saying the worst things ever said to each other. And if you are not willing to fight a battle, then you're not willing to win. If you're not willing to fix things, then FUCK YOU. I said sorry. What's your excuse? Oh wait, never mind. I forgot. You're never wrong. Grow up. And take your false sense of security with you. We don't need another sob story. We're all full up here. You're no better than us, so quit acting like you are. And how about next time, you attempt to be an adult and speak to my face instead of some half-ass blog of which we all know who you're talking to. Anybody can write a blog about someone and make it seem like they're speaking generally. The reason we are not friends anymore is because you refuse to be. I hope you fall from your pedestal one day and realize exactly what you pushed away. At least now I've learned not to put faith in anybody. Even someone who makes it seem like you'll be friends no matter what. One day. I'll BE something. and That's more than enough for me. I said sorry. What did you do? This isn't worth my time. YOU can fix this, but I'm done trying. Friends don't do this. Obviously, we're not friends. And on your way out? Take the hurt you left with you.

This is a bit Ridculous.

As I stare at this page wondering why I am typing instead of watching Pushing Daises, I'm thinking how fucked up people truly are. Its so sad, really, because the people around here are so full of shit and they don't even realize it. They are too wrapped up in themselves to realize that they are wrong. And hell, maybe even I'm wrong, but at least I'm open to that possibility whereas you seem to cancel it out entirely. So okay. We all make mistakes, big deal. You get over it. MOVE ON. Stop coming up with excuses and justifications and this that and the other to allow yourself to hold on to something that is just a waste of everyone's time. I hate this. I don't want to be here anymore. And yet... somehow the comfort keeps me here for now. I do not want to be here any more. These people are horrid. And maybe people are horrid everywhere else too, but I wouldn't know that because I've never BEEN anywhere else. Yet... amongst these people there are jewels. And nobody is a fucking diamond in a glass box, but there are crystals and emeralds and sapphires and rubies hidden in the dirt. But, you gotta keep them hidden in the dirt or they'll be put on display and lose their value to you. It's a sanctuary. A pure sanctuary. And nothing hurts worse than someone else abiding in your secret escape. It should be yours, all yours. It doesn't matter whether or not we're still friends. It doesn't matter whether or not my toes are perfectly polished, or even if I can ramble with perfect English and still not make any sense. I want to pull all my hair out and stare at how beautiful it would be on my head. I want to scratch the paint off my walls using only my fingernails just to be disappointed at the wall behind it being bare. I want to FIND something. I want to be part of something... yet not. Not at all. I want to be by myself. I need this breeze to come through and rub sand in your eyes. You never notice how clearly you are capable of seeing until something alters it. You're behind blinders right now, anyway. Maybe one day you'll see things from my perspective. But I doubt it.

There might be more to this than pure understanding. Maybe the point IS to confuse and throw you into chaos. Maybe it isn't really chaos, it's just perceived that way. Day after day, week, month, year, we meet people who will change our lives. Maybe not significantly, maybe not in a good way, but the chaos includes altercations that not only redirect your path, but make you "who" you "are." And, even if you're stuck in a shitty small town, with the laziest resources known to man. Even if you have to face dilemmas beyond your capability of handling (Which is untrue, otherwise you wouldn't be here,) or understanding. Even when you lose faith in the one thing you knew you shouldn't have put your faith in in the first place. Because, you see, you can be given all the fluffy nice happy things in the world. The order of things can be given to you in the form of candy, orgasms, drugs, laughter, love, friendship, trust. But it will all fall down when the exact opposite is handed to you. You'll be stuck in a somewhat of a limbo. And, maybe that's the point. And maybe I don't make sense. Maybe I am flawed beyond belief. Maybe I'm the key to salvation. Maybe. But if we're always stuck on the maybes, ifs, buts, and whys, WE WILL GO INSANE. Fuck. Maybe we are all already insane. But the fact of the matter is. I will never understand why I am so confused. I will never understand why things happen the way they do. I will never understand anything that I live through or go by. But, that's okay. Because neither do any of the other motherfuckers in this world. And those who think they do are ignorant. Which is also okay. To each his own. So why waste the valued spare time we have questioning this place? I mean, is good to question and wonder, that's what makes you smart, but we're all just running in circles. There is no such thing as "good" or "bad." There's the difference between trusting and betraying. But not everything is black and white or biblical. However, there are these "things." That just make you not give a flying fuck about why nothing makes sense, or why our language doesn't even follow our own thoughts. These "things" make you just happy, but can DESTROY you as well. They're people. Friends. Love. Happiness. Its all a revolving door, and we may not understand why we're in a revolving door. Or why we can't get to either of the ends, but we're in there with our friends, and we find it hilarious that we're just going in circles in a public revolving door, THIS MAY NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. But that's okay. It's all okay. I'm okay. Because that's just the way things work. I may not like it. I may not understand it. But that's it. We can all just spare the sarcasm and smile while we're here, right?

The fact of the matter is, we’re all expecting things to be different, when we know it’s never going to change. False hope. Everyone is determined by instinct or whatever it is, to only satisfy themselves. And once a person cannot be satisfied, they lose faith. Everyone is utterly selfish. And we should be, considering we are living OUR lives. However, we tend to forget or fail to realize that everyone else’s goal is the same, only to themselves. They want to satisfy their person, not yours. Seeing as we believe the world revolves around us, we think for some reason everybody should satisfy us as well. But the only way someone is going to satisfy you, is if they get something out of it. There is always a reason for someone to be kind, loving, sensitive, caring, or thoughtful to you. Because it makes THEM feel like a good person. You do the same. We all do. Everything is inter-related, but not connected. Not by choice, faith, will, hope, love- nothing. But we’re all too shallow and self-centered to realize it. 9 times out of 10 a person is a shallow thinker. I like to say I’m the 1 out of 10, but then again, I’m just as selfish as everyone else. We’re all doomed. If Hell is real, we all belong there. Doesn’t mean we necessarily deserve it, but we all belong there, because, morally speaking, we’re bastards. We don’t have morals. We tell ourselves we do, in order to make ourselves feel like decent people, but we don’t. We lie. Every day, that’s a given. But little by little, we find ourselves slowing falling into what’s considered evil and finding excuses to break the ethics we were “taught” when we were young. “Well… It’s okay to cheat IF” “I’m going to steal this, because I need it more than they do.” “She won’t know if I go behind her back for this.” All the time. And we convince ourselves that as long as there is a decent excuse, morality knows no bounds on us. What’s sad is we lose people we consider “friends” in this. Maybe by the things we do for ourselves, but through the things they do for their selves. Everyone is wild and is thrown into this complete and utter chaos, and we try to live in it, accept it, make it suitable by our standards, but we really don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. And that’s okay, because no one does. We all have the same mentality. We are all trying to get what we want for ourselves. For whatever reason.

People will miss me when I'm gone.

You can watch your cigarette burn. Thing is, I am enlightened. It might have taken me a while to realize, but I am gifted. There is this thing called friendship. We might not be able to connect, or fully understand the shit that goes on in this world, but I do understand that beauty is all around us. And we can waste time wondering why people commit suicide or how angry a broken space bar makes us. Its all worthless, because you're only given one life to live. And I say "let the chips fall where they may" and I might be flawed. I might be cliche. I might repeat myself all the time, but I have come to realize that the friends that stay make me such a beautiful person. Maybe I'm the fish for once. And as a New Years resolution, I say FUCK THE DRAMA. I am eighteen years old and if a supposed best friend wants to go behind my back, or a an ex-boyfriend wants to exclaim how worthless I am, or someone wants to leave their dead body to my finding, GO AHEAD. You want to make this world shittier? You want to fill it with ate and arguments, GO AHEAD. Because I am special. Because I will make this world a better place even if its just be surrounding myself with love, friendship and beauty. And if you have a problem with what I do, or what I say, or even the way I handle things. Be my guest. I'm not going to let your hatred and meanness ruin my life. I only have one anyway,so why dwell on the vile when I can be surrounded by Beautiful people with beautiful lives? Love is so much greater than anything placed on this world. Everything has beauty, and to the petty people who don't realize that: YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT. You can cry all the tears in the world. You can discover your selfish friend's dead body, you can watch as a parent slowly dies by a disease that is disgusting, but no matter how much bullshit a single person can face head on, there is still so much love and beauty that can help them get through the pain. I would know. If after everything I have gone through, after all the shit people try to blow up in my face, I'm still smiling, I know that this life is worth living. It bothers me that Joe coped out. Not just the fact he's dead, I can handle that, but to rob the world of more love? It's already lacking in the department, obviously. I mean as much hate, war and genocide that the world harbors, general unkindness, rudeness,and uncommon courtesy there is, I still love my life and everything that has made me who I am. The shit I've dealt with was SHIT, but it has aided me in seeing how much one little person can do. Existentially speaking, nothing matters and one person can't change anything, but that's one thing I don't agree with. I am Rachel Anne FUCKING Atkins, dammit. And I may only be one little person, but the amount of love I have will change something in this world. I will love everything and everybody as much as my little heart can, even if I die trying.