Dripping in Gold.

I would say that I'm not myself right now, but in order to that I would have to know myself. Everyone has limits...until you push them. I am raw. I have all these ideas in my head and that's most likely where they live and die. Why is it the saddest days are always the coldest? I don't want the things I'm used to wanting. After I cry hysterically, puke, turn pale, start shaking, I realize something. I don't want to end up like you. I do not want to stay here one more minute. So I get up and leave. I am not used to having feelings anymore. And I hate it. I want to love, to feel something. Attracted to tragedy, tragic tragic girl. The clock has sped so fast before me until I figure out something I want to do and then it couldn't go slower. Too late, did it anyway. There isn't a whole lot inside me right now. My bad habits, which I for some reason feel the need to make yours. The rubber band around my wrist has gone missing... I expected to pour onto this blank screen, but that's the problem with the things I do, it kills the good thoughts I have. At least then I know they're all mine. Not like you. That's the funny thing. I finally feel something I haven't felt in oh so long and I can't even grasp it, not even for just a second. My better thoughts in life include me being some one else for just a night. Out of no where I decided to tell you about my urge for you to know me. Really? I want you to sit in my car. I will drive to my dad's grave, my old home, my favorite playground, the road that spooked us all, and why? Because maybe, just maybe it might make you love me. My heart is pounding, my mouth is a wreck, and I want to feel sorry for myself because of the choices I have made. How many of you even remember me? Think of past memories? What's funny is they called you crazy. They gave you meds, made you normal. Why? That was what made you who you are...were. I am torn between sleeping for so long my dreams turn into reality and staying awake so long my reality becomes my dreams. I want to show this all to you, but you have to want to see it. Everything always sounds much better in theory. My body aches so much, but not nearly as much as my heart, and what for? I used to be full of so much ambition. Now I'm only full of lust, drugs, and anger. Look, I get that you're a loner, but I see something special in you. I was just hoping, that maybe, you saw something special in me too. I want a message from you so bad I literally hear the sound. I am not in love with you. I am in love with the idea of you. I am voluntarily driving myself mad. I miss so many things, that really, aren't worth missing. My car, my dog, a kitchen table, family dinners... family. I believe this is the worst thing about tragedy. The years after. Like its been too long for you to still be mourning. It still hurts, but its almost a numb kind of pain. At least when it happens, you feel it. A punch in your stomach... My eyelids are heavy, but my mind is wired. This a joke. A joke without a punchline, but for some reason, everyone is laughing. And I'm going to figure out why.