Because you're beautiful tonight.

I am slowly sinking into my mattress and becoming part of it. The weight of everything I'm trying so hard to ignore is pushing me deeper into it. My eyelids start falling like a garage door and even though my body hurts all over, words and ideas are ricocheting in my mind like a bullet in a metal room. I imagine a pair of arms wrapped around my goosebump ridden body. I do not imagine them attached to anybody or anything, just that they're there. It's very hard for me to look at everything the way everyone wants me to, but that doesn't mean I'm not still trying. While everything gets jumbled up I envision a person that does not exist coming in while everything is so fucked up and just laying down next to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Just someone to be physically there for me. I have literally never felt more alone than I do right now. I am more than well aware that I am so much stronger than I'm allowing myself to be. I'm just too exhausted, physically, emotionally... As I slowly open my eyelids, I stare at the ceiling. I turn the shapes of my popcorn ceiling into either familiar symbols and pictures or made up characters. After realizing what I am doing and convincing myself that I'm going mad, I close my eyes once more and make up my own fairy tale land. Grass the greenest of grasses rolls onto hill, after hill, after hill...freshly cut of course. A few trees here and there, the kind that only exist in cartoons, with the exception of lower branches, so as they're easy for climbing. Don't even get me started on the flowers and meadows. Places like this actually exist, I think. Or so I am told and I want to believe. But here I am, sunken into my jersey sheets worrying about boys and money. Do you think that this is what life is supposed to be about? Spending year after year wasting away in front of a desk just for a piece of paper? Sinking into our beds trying to forget what we read or heard? And do you think we're meant to go through people's lives the way we do? Passing by strangers that may not be such strangers after all. I just want to hug everyone. Let them know that while I may not really have anyone here for me, they have someone here for them. I honestly think that everything around me, every single atom, has a beauty far deeper than we ever imagined...and while I may pout, and whine, and indulge in my own loneliness, deep in my heart, I know its not about me. It's not supposed to be this way. Every single person put on this planet has a story. And I want to hear every single one. I don't even care if not one them asks me about mine, I just want to know what its like to live on this planet through every single person's perspective. I'm missing something. I'm right there, its on the tip of my tongue, but I am missing it. All my senses peek and I'm struggling to find away to be at peace with them. It's odd to me how someone can tell me all these nice things, and fill my head and heart with hope, and even though they shatter everything I looked forward to in them, I still hope they end up alright. Maybe I'm so exhausted because I spend so much time caring, and so much time just thinking. Constantly. Infinite amount of possibilities. Science. Alternate universes. Imagination. Books and cartoons. Characters, people. What-ifs and how tos. The human body. The human compassion. The human mind. Art. All of it, it astonishes me to no end. And yet as I try to soak it all in, here I am metamorphosing with my manifestation of a sleeping place. Something needs to change. I just have to figure out what.