Empty bed. Empty heart.

I feel it coming. Not sure why it's there, but it has always been there. How long can I ignore it? Before it becomes me? You're trying to solve the problem, but you have yet to realize that you're one of the causes. I keep reminding myself that everything will be so much better tomorrow. However, my heart keeps getting heavier and heavier. And I'm exhausted but the weight of it all is making me feel wide awake. Somewhere on this universe...the bottom of the ocean or strung along in a nebula, is opportunity. But for what, exactly? What if the bottom of the ocean is just where everyone's tears fall to? There's a strange comfort in sorrow. Every word carefully transferred from mind to fingers makes me crave to tell you things I've never told anyone before. Things of childhood. Things that I never really thought of before until I wondered why I am where I am right now. Do you ever wonder if you're given second chances? What would you do with them anyway? Who would you be now after you re-did your life? It's funny to me how a person never really goes away when they die. The memories of them fade and the details become unclear, but you never forget their presence, their essence. While that stands true, someone alive could be in the house next door and you'd probably never know it. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful happy little girl. Then she grew up. I guess everyone has to face the same patches of loneliness. There comes a time when doing things the way you're doing them gets old, you get sick of it. But...you don't know what to do because that's the way you've done them for so long. Makes you feel vulnerable. Makes you feel weak. Truth is, the tragedies are aesthetic. So no one judges them. Suicides are down to two categories: Pretty and painful, or ugly and easy. You can only pick one. You ever want to just hop in your car and keep driving as long as you can just to see where you would end up? Or maybe you get out of bed one day and say "today I will start smoking cigarettes." Hiding from the world under the blankets seems to solve everything, and now is a bad a time as any. Or as good as any. The harder you try to be happy, the harder it is to understand the corners and details of the world. Hiding under the blankets from the world is like being a bug in a glass jar, but the child forgot to poke holes in the lid. Its like my brain is stuttering and my thoughts aren't fluid anymore. Everything is broken. And there's only one thing I want. I want you. I want you to hold me and not say anything or do anything, or even feel anything...just be there with your arms around me, and that scares me. Because I've never wanted it before. And there, I said it. Its there, it's done. I want the same thing I've wanted from you all along and truth be told, I like it the way it is now. Because its safe. My heart lightens for a moment, and I breathe slowly to give myself something to fall asleep to. My head pounds because I'm suddenly surrounded by everyone's bad habits enticing me to have them too. Replace one bad habit with another. The seasons are changing. And so am I. Or maybe, rather evolving. And it's confusing me. How do I handle it? A vast wide of emotions, regrets, wants needs...and then there's you. As always. Someone has to give oxygen to my brain.