The path unto this heart is lit up with corpses.

My dreams are getting stranger and the moon is making people weird, but somethings remain clear to me. I am so sorry that it stings. But, I'd rather it sting than scar and that's worth so much more than you even realize. It's alright to just accept your surroundings and learn to be happy with them, but there's only so much waiting left before everything changes and I become enlightened. My future husband is in the hands of someone who's prettier than me. I won't get married. Something is always wrong. I'm afraid. I'm too afraid that I'll never obtain my Chicago or my sweetest downfall ever again. What I don't understand is how boggled our minds get with such petty, unimportant things but we seem to misplace the stuff that matters. Our hearts become heavy and our feelings get hurt. There isn't always an explanation or reason as to why people treat others the way they do. Humans don't respect each other. And as we've evolved, we've spun so far out of control that such inhumane things occur in our society on a regular basis, that not much shocks anybody anymore. And although there are words to soothe the mind, thoughts to ease the pain, melodies to keep the wandering echoes of the mind at bay, sometimes it just isn't enough. Sometimes it will never be enough. We don't strive to be better to other people. We strive to make ourselves happy. Happy is and never will be always attainable. It comes and goes like the weather. Our constant changing should match our judgement of others, but it doesn't. Sometimes there are people who will never stop hurting you,, never stop letting you down, never stop making you unpleasant, and yet you never stop loving them. This is such a scary thought. Who wants to never stop loving someone who mentally scarred you? One or two or three is enough. That's when you stop. Stop falling in love. Stop searching for friendship beyond the casualties. Stop looking for someone to hold you and tell you that everything is going to be alright, when you both know it isn't. Your insecurities add up. That's okay. One day there will be someone patient and kind enough to wait on you and break down your walls no matter what happens. But then again, its only a matter of time before they start doing the same. Maybe humans weren't meant to be monogamous. Its only a matter of time before you stop questioning everyone else's sanity, and you start questioning your own. Sure fun is great. But don't let it keep you stuck in the same spot. There is so much beauty beyond the world and some people just ignore it and live their whole lives with no desire to see it. How can someone just live in the same spot their whole life and not even pursue a career? It gets old when someone decides to judge you based on things they don't even know about you, when their own lives are by no means any better. It gets old crying to yourself simply because you're lonely. You'd rather be lonely than let down again. Reflect. Stop worrying about so much dumb shit that you completely forget about something that means a lot to you. One step at a time. One step at a time... But it hurts. I put so much time and effort into something I love only to be let down and hurt. I'm awake and feel the ache. Its like a big hole in my chest. How could you do that to me? Take the one thing I have left away from me? I don't have an ear to listen to me. They say they will be they don't. People can't stand me and I don't even know why. Then they pretend like they don't know what I'm talking about. It's your fault. You did this and you did it on purpose. Happy now? You win. I'm so close to the edge but I'm holding back with all my might. I am going to snap if something doesn't change. I try so hard to fit the mold and try so hard to break it at the same time. I need to get out of here. I need to run away. My void is empty because I choose it but sometimes it unbearable. And we go through this with our heads high and our shoulders wide but we keep our secrets inside us. We keep them in and never say a word. All we want is someone to share our pain. Why does it have to be this way. Why do people have to leave us and hurt us and expect us to pick up the pieces all by our selves? I am still waiting for a letter to a former lover. I still want to scratch all the paint off my walls to find it. I am still waiting for the ghosts to come back just to tell me how beautiful I am on the inside and that they're sorry they had to leave and that they'll be back soon. The time machine, the rewind button, I am still holding off on that, wishing as hard as I can as if my life is a movie and people can reverse time or switch bodies. This heart is heavy. Its a lot heavier than you'd imagine. Nobody takes that into consideration. The ringing in my ears reminds me of the girl who never cared. My burning stomach reminds me of the boy who never listened. My beating heart hurts for the boy who gave up. My fuzzy brain remembers the one who I'll never stop wishing for. My hands long for the touch of the boy who didn't keep his promise. I'm trying. We're all trying. The maze is confusing us and tricking us and consistently reminding us of our parodies and falsities. My birds hold up my motto and will forever keep reminding me of how absolutely strong I am and who I am. It gets lonely. It gets sad. But its just another day. Just another sad night filled with quandaries and fairytale dreams and wishes. It will pass as always. But somewhere albeit in this universe or not, there is someone who's heart matches mine. And as for tonight, I will remorse their efforts. I shall long for those summer nights of 2008 with the stars, my father, the love, and the ghosts. I have not been as content since. The movies I can watch, the songs I can hear, but its never the same. Nothing ever is.