Hide and seek.

Its funny. Its fucking hilarious, actually. Really. I want you to look at me just for once with the same intentions I look with at you. I'm just a jerk playing with matches. Why do the melodies coming from my speakers understand me so much better than you could ever try to? Why do all the tiny little hairs on my raised skin feel so much better than you make me feel? And why must I push and pull and kick and scream to get a response? Only in my head though. The more frustrated I get, the more saddened I become. Will you feel anything at all? I keep telling my veins to pump more blood to the tips of my fingertips but the longer I push, the more dried up I become. I remember one night. I remember that song was playing while I just cried. I sobbed. Doesn't it just piss you off? How much passion I used to have for you? How much love my heart used to contain? "Used to." You didn't even know what the song was even about. you never knew how much you took from me when you left. And I never got it back. I cried. And you held me. But you never stopped it. Some people are just all talk. Some people only care for their own satisfaction. And I pity those people. Those people will continue to do so until they realize one day that they're choking on their own misery. Secrets lies and excuses. No one wants to really stay. Whether its me, or you. I wish you would take one moment to dissect my brain. I wish you would read this. Honestly, I'm wrapped around one to many fingers. I wonder what it was like to be sixteen. To be eighteen. To literally collapse on the floor in desperation. Because my daddy is dead and the only person i had ever loved doesn't want to acknowledge me. To literally collapse mentally because the drugs I pumped into my system were no match for the ones in yours. Maybe thats why i am the way i am. I dont have any more tragedy. Its like I'm pulling and ripping the arteries within the chambers of my heart to feel something again. Something other than disappointment. Hell, pain even. Anything. I'm looking at all the friends passed. What happened? Why does everyone grow up hating every one else? How far does friendship even go? Its like they spit in your face and you just smile and say "stop." and they just keep going. Its like when someone tells you a story and you imagine it in a room you've been in before...She tells you of the rape. The death, the treachery, the lack of friends and family. And you've been in the same speck of time with her, just in different rooms, in different space. And everyone is so smug and think they're doing the right thing, but sometimes they're not. And they can't even fork up an excuse to bark at you. To yell at you. They just metaphorically scream at you but you ask and beg to know why. There is no reasonable answer. They just become a glitch in time to you as you are to them. A fucking glitch. Nothing to lose? Nothing to gain. Because. My skin is bumpy and my heart is thumping. No time for it? No time for me. I try. I really do. I give a big heart to this world and no matter how many times its fucking shattered by your words or actions or lack of actions, I always fucking try. You never wanted me where I was in the first place. Thats how we know each other. I don't understand how you live with yourself, or how you even think your honesty makes of for your inability to be kind. At least the world gets beautiful melodies out of it. And you can look at the world with such happiness, amazement, curiosity, and love and no matter what...no matter what. Its still going to make you cry.