on breaking up;

I think there once was a quote saying that you are not destined to one soul mate, but that many different soul mates enter and leave your life in many different shapes and forms. Every year, we challenge ourselves, whether we realize it or not. Every year we emerge a different person, whether people like it or not. I'm done. I am tired of offering a piece of my soul to those who do not try hard to keep it safe and warm. I will no longer apologize for my feelings. Everyone wants to be happy but you cannot be happy unless you are also sad, angry, exploding with colors that others may not like. I do not care what others like. If everyone was happy all the time, where would we find art? Expression is healthy. And when I express to you what I feel and you spit it in my face after I carefully paint my love onto you like an artist paints a china-doll, I am done. That's all I can take; that's all I can do. And it kinda fucking hurts. Not like a punch to the stomach that knocks the breath out of you; that feeling has passed. It is more like the needle tearing into your skin when you deliberately sit for a colorful tattoo. That tattoo is a beautiful embodiment of all the negative emotions for which people push you away. I'm tired of explaining myself, I'm tired of having to justify my feelings, and I'm tired of saying sorry for them. As one person passes through, another will enter. As the full moon graces me with her dance, the sun will provide me with warmth and vitamin D. Sometimes, there aren't enough highs in the world. There aren't enough climaxes. Not enough reliable people. As it goes to this date, I stand repeating myself like a drummer boy with no audience. You want to be loved but yet you push away the ones that love you. As I spent a weekend stretching out an exhausted and pitiful hand to people I did not know, I realized something. Anyone can be a soulmate, temporarily. Connecting with smiles and sharing in similar experiences is so beautiful I cannot describe it. How ironic that we can connect with people we do not know more so than our loved ones. How silly it is that whole relationships are forever changed based on an experience. It is those who do not take you for granted that lift you up. Whether you are being lift up or torn down, you emerge differently. Sometimes weaker, sometimes stronger, but regardless of your strength, you are evolving. Do you know who do not evolve? Happy people. Selfish people. People who hurt you then shame you for being upset over it. I will not be ashamed. Take it or leave it. I bend over backwards, forwards, left and right for the people I love and if they do not do the same, I will stop. I am no longer angry. I am trying to no longer be hurt, but one thing is very true. I am done.

Sometimes.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song. When push comes to shove there are certain barriers hidden within you that just cannot seem to break. All the while, the indestructible walls you build for deliberate reasons crumble down every time they have the opportunity. No matter how hard you may try, it is impossible to know every curve, every wrinkle, and every facet of another. You may try to memorize their rhythm, but do you know what caused the rhythm to begin with? Its strange how lovers can slowly become strangers simply because they just want to. Everyone heals differently, in their own time, in their own way. I would rather indulge myself in the variations of feeling, rather than try to numb it. Numb is worse, I believe. And in the grand scheme of things, what does numb accomplish anyway? To be numb is to be dead and while others may think that's a good path to take, for some, feeling everything all at one time can be so much more rewarding. Love? Hate? Pain? That's all okay. Indulge in all of it, take it as it is. Because, this means you are alive and honestly, nothing is greater than being alive. Every line of a book, or lyric of a song is interpreted a thousand different ways and imagined by a thousand different sets of closed eyes. When you inhale a big breath, you are inhaling all that the world has to offer you, and you shouldn't ignore it. The vibrations the Earth gives out every day effect every one separately. Some days aren't yours at all. And when it is time for those people that touch your heart in ways you will never forget to leave, you can choose whether to feel their hand print or their absence. While your body maybe secreting and oozing sorrow from the pores in your skin, take note in how you feel in this moment. Embrace it, relish it, savor it. Because when you stop feeling anything at all, you'll miss it. Because all the drugs and orgasms, cigarettes and punches to the wall, cannot and will not replace the spot in your soul that is left barren. Shaved. Blank. Erased. Bare. But these spots, these hand prints, these absences? They are forever important. They help create the barriers and the walls; sometimes, they help knock them down, too.