I don't believe it makes me real.

Sometimes, I may not understand why I think the things I do, or make the actions I make. I'd rather feel the pain than let others hurt. There is something deep within my heart. It's either a hole, or its made of gold. The universe never makes sense, thats a given...but me? Of all people to understand myself, it should be me, right? My fingers are dry now, but I know that the juices are pumping somewhere in there and if I dig and sweat and work, it will come...right? How much longer before I'm in that summer filled with stars and glories and laughter and ghosts. Is this really happening? I want to give you everything within me. Problem is, I don't think there is anything. I want my Chicago back. I'll even fathom the days were everything hurt so much. I felt something then. The crisp air, the lovely free spirit... where is she? everyone is tired and run down. This isn't how I should grow up. This breaks all the barriers. We see double moons and we dance in the water and we go numb and think we're having a stroke. We miss the things we want trying to enhance our time. We sit in our car, listening to the same songs over and over watching our cigarettes burn WAITING for you to come back. But you won't. You could just hold me and tell me you love me. You could stop. Stop it. You choose a manifestation of happiness, not even real happiness over me. Do you know what you did? It takes a whole knew level to lower a person so low they are unhappy with their selves...for years. And hey darling? If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky. I will wait and hold my heart between skylines and scenic. Why? I'm a dreamer. I grew up on This Lullaby and Teen Angel. My heart aches out of my screen less window for the boy next door who won't look at me until I'm all grown up. My favorite is gone. Can't chase that dream anymore. My hair cuticles are raised as I question this and that and everything in between. Eventually. You held me in the floor. Where were you when I NEEDED YOU. I don't need anybody, right? Everyone is singing, for you. FOR YOU. All of them. Bite your tongue. One day I will run down the halls barefoot so fast I CAN FUCKING FLY. We are all caged birds, right? Caged, wingless birds. Just chirping away. I never thought you'd be the one to let me down, and I can't even be mad at you, even though I am. These wings are frayed and the feathers are scattered. Find them and turn them into confetti, hoping for big city dreams. i need to move. This place is damaging to everyone who stays in it. Earn money. What is money, anyway? Is everyone singing yet? I want you to come home. I want to hear you talk again. I want my daddy. Its hard, you know? And no one really thinks about it. Sometimes it gets so surreal that I can't tell the difference between reality and dreams. Except, my dreams contain my happiness. Even when skaters roll around murdering people and we have a giant skate party...And then there's you. You, you, you...remember? Remember the tulips? No one believes me. what is there? letters? scratches? paint? love? hate? What's the difference? Some people touch your lives. I wonder if anybody drives around looking for me. There needs to be away out of here. I need to get out of this town. Once I do, I will never come back.