I want to know exactly how you felt about me. I thought we were supposed to be climbing the friendship ladder... Everything you told me keeps replaying over in my head. Even in your drunken stupor, you had excellent grammar. You really did mean a lot to me. I talked about you to Katrina all the time. You were the only reason I ever went over to the house when you first moved in. We picked out your bedroom furnishings together at Target. We argued about the garbage can and almost bought an unnecessary microwave. Your tiny ass car we squeezed into. I had to stay at the house because your damn key wouldn't work... We were at the mall. We were there so you could finally get your guitar from Patrick, but he forgot to bring it. I was eating Chik-fil-a, you asked me if I knew Chelsea Thompson. When I said no, you freaked out at the fact that someone didn't know her. I said its weird how so many people know so many people. and you replied... "I know... and here I am sitting at the mall with Rachel Atkins." Or when I tried to type my gay ass paper on "The Journey of Man" and we got into a debate on whether or not knowing our ancestors mattered. You said everything was connected in someway... I disagreed. We would sit there and watch your light while listening to your techno playlist. You had so many playlists. Or how about that night Bri and I convinced you to get "Get on Your Knees" tattooed on your other peck. Or when we laid out drunk together on Charlie's front porch and watched the stars and I told you that we were gonna be best friends. What about that night when you held me? You put your arms around me and held my hand as we both slept... that was only two weeks ago. Maybe three. That was the night Jason got drunk and yelled at everybody to wake the fuck up. Remember the Converse girls? Haha. I brought them to your house for a party, they took one look around, started talking about waffles, then left. Apparently that was their code word. You would always let me sip on the drinks you bought. Always drinking your vodka. That night, you got so drunk and had to puke, but Chance was puking in the toilet so you had to puke in the bathtub. God it was so funny. You were trying to pull moves on Kristen Lynch and she was so turning you down. Haha. You were always putting your arm around someone. I loved it when you did that. You did it all the time to me. Everyone loves you so much. I hope you were aware of that. I remember we sat in my hot as fuck car waiting on your cousin to come home from school at your aunt's house. I remember when you still lived there. You were always going through the window. We were always like "That's one black motherfucker." Your PacSun cologne... You always knew what I was wearing because it came from PacSun. We wanted to smell so good for the parties. Always partying together. Like that time I picked you up from Barnes and Noble and already had six people in my car, so Bri sat in your lap as we all went to Charlie's. Or the night that we fell asleep at Charlie's and you didn't have a blanket. I woke up and found you covered with a curtain... It was five AM and you were so pissed I fell asleep and didn't take you home. You could have just woke me up and I would have. So many late nights at Charlie's... that's where we hung out most. We would dance, and if Joe was dancing, you knew he was drunk. I keep thinking that there's going to be a rewind button... I REALLY FUCKING HOPE THERE'S A REWIND BUTTON. I would have come over that night you asked me to... I would have made more of an effort to fix whatever it was that happened to us. THIS CANNOT BE REAL I HAVE TO BE DREAMING. I saw you EVERYFUCKINGDAY this summer. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I knew you loved me to. You would never say it back whenever i said "I love you" when I dropped you off you'd say "Aight see you later" and I'd smile because that's what you always did. But that night.... you said "I hate feeling the way I do about you." "I love yoU." "You're smart and beautiful, its al i ask and you fulfill it." "please come back." I wish more than anything that I came back that night. but you were drunk...and i was afraid you'd want to have sex and i didn't want to because you meant more to me than that... what if all you wanted to do was talk...?or just cuddle like we did a few weeks ago? You said we would make music together. Acoustic tracks... Whenever you drove Bri and I somewhere because I was drunk. You were too, little did I know. I sang every beautiful song I could find to you. Just to show off... You never did realize how much you meant to me. You were on my top on Myspace even, as retarded as that sounds. This just has to be a really bad dream right now... I can't believe you're gone, and I can't believe it was suicide of all things. You were way too smart for your own good. You knew exactly how fucked up this world really is... You always told me. God.. I love you so much... Why would you do that? To us? TO ME? Did you think about who would find your body hanging from the fucking attic???? IT WAS ME, JOE... ME AND GABE. WE FOUND YOU. He cut you down... your body literally thudded to the ground. 180 pounds of dead weight fell down the ladder onto the floor. We kept hoping you would wake up, even though we knew you wouldn't. I keep waiting for this to end. But I know it won't. I keep waiting to see you again... but I'm just not going to. God. I miss you so much.... I love you.
I hope you found what you were looking for.
I hope you got your 40 Oz. to Freedom.
Climbing the friendship ladder.
Always.
<3 Rachel Anne.
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