FUCK.
That's it, just "FUCK!!!"
You just want to scream it as loud as your lungs can push it out and hope that every single republican and Christian mother can hear it. The old people too.
Seriously? I want what is best for me. I want a best friend who is consistently by my side. A significant other to feel loved by. Money in the bank to spend whenever needed or wanted. A house. With weed. And actual REAL people, not the fake ass bitches that end up at Kodiak's.
Listen, I'm not here to tell you the way you live is wrong. I'm not here to correct your grammar or spelling then slap you on the ass and say "Good game." I'm here to prevent any more catastrophes because if one itty bitty incident happens again, I will go fucking insane. Now, I'm sure as you're reading this you're thinking 'this makes no sense. you're already insane.' (Although if you were typing it, you would more than likely put 'your' instead of 'you're.') But isn't that the point? We all want people to assume we're all crazy. That we're dangerous. That our life is far more interesting and difficult than theirs. And you know what? Maybe it is. I mean to be completely honest, my life could be a goddamn movie. And not a bad one, either.
Story line: little girl grows up into a loving and caring family. Daddy's little girl. Loves music. Finds theatre, falls in love with it. Gets practically raped in a church. Looses faith in anything. Father dies tragically. Girl loses first love. First love immediately moves on to girl's good friend. Girl's good friend somehow manages to turn all of her friends against her. High school just became HELL. Girl finds new love. New love brings her into hardcore drugs and she practically dies because of it. She also misses out on every senior experience, including a good graduation. That love leaves her as well, leaving her with nothing to look forward to. Girl finds party scene and sleeps with everyone willing and attractive, thinking they'll mean something. Girl looses herself. Finds different friends. Girl finds a great friend hanging from attic because they killed themselves. Girl watches them get cut down and fall to the floor. A month later girl finds out her friend from a couple of years ago jumped off a set of railroad tracks and fell to his death. Girl had found a new boy. New boy plays with her emotions and lies to her face. Girl finds out, leaves boy, Boy makes girl seem like a bitch. Girl almost flunks college and almost gets fired. Girl is completely broke and everything she owns breaks out of nowhere, or gets stolen. Girl's friends are all angry because she sincerely does not have the time for them. Girl dies. The End.
Pretty compelling, huh?
See. The point is, nobody I have met yet completely understands me. And I guess that's okay, no one ever will. But wouldn't it be NICE, just to have someone right there who has lived your life that you can talk to? I mean, it beats conversing with yourself in the car every night and morning. But Nice. You, know that's a word that isn't used to often. NICE. She's a NICE girl. He's a NICE boy. By "NICE" do you mean: "He seems very NICE at first, and although he likes to argue sometimes, he actually can be NICE to everyone. Until one day you discover he's just like every other guy you've tried to be with, and he ends up using you, playing you, and sleeping with other girls behind your back. He's really NICE." ? Maybe that's why "NICE" isn't used too much these days. BECAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF COMMON COURTESY ANYMORE. "No, I have an idea. Let's take this girl, right? Okay. She's cute. She's witty. You know, gotta mouth on her? She dyes her hair red, but everyone thinks its natural. They call her 'that crazy redhead.' Alright, you follow? Kay. So let's tak this girl. She's witnessed a good bit of tragedy at her age. Lost her dad at 16. Kinda has those 'Daddy problems.' You know those women who sleep around because they lack male contact? Yeah. Alright. Oooo! She also has been royally fucked over by quite a hand full of guys. Not to mention she found one of her good friend's dead body not too long ago. Okay. You still following? Alright. Let's take this average girl.... And fuck her over." Common courtesy, people.
You know what? I believe I deserve some respect. What do you think? I mean I give respect to anybody who overcomes adversity. Funny thing is, it's not that people just don't respect me. Nah, see. Some people actually go out of their way to DISrespect me. And you know what I say? FUCK THEM. They are the most useless, unimportant, selfish little bastards that will never make it far in life. That's what I say.
What, soft!
There's something so... deep about theatre. The way you can just forget about your life and the shit that has happened to you, and be someone else and focus on their shit. Yes, its still shit, but its NEW shit. The way that you can make yourself emotional just by tricking your body. But its not just mechanical. You FEEL those emotions you portray as well. And sometimes, it feels GOOD to let go. And its okay, because everyone sees you in the most vulnerable and weak state your mind can be in, and they applaud you for it. They consider it a talent. And you just feel good. It feels amazing to let go of all you've been harboring. Fuck, you've seen Fight Club, right? That's how it all starts. He just wanted to let go. Thing with theatre is that it goes beyond physicality and voice. It goes into the mind. Analyzing EVERYTHING. And it makes you change, just a little, into every character you portray. It's really odd to think about. But it goes deep into the wiring in your brain. Seriously. Try it. Be someone else for a day. Its hard as fuck, but it feels so.... liberating.
They say that you can measure a person's intelligence by how many curves, or folds, your brain has. You know when you think REALLY hard it almost hurts? You're working the muscles in your brain. Feel the burn! Well. If thinking makes you intelligent. Then I must be beyond smart. Because, let me tell you. Thinking is what I'm good at. I think all the time. Too much, actually. Enough to where I have to tell myself to STOP. I think about things that have occurred. I think about why's mostly. And it drives me crazy, because, to be completely honest, the way this world works disgusts me to no end. I HATE IT. Everything. Humans. Their superficial way of psychology explaining why nothing in this fucking planet has any aesthetic quality anymore. There is ALWAYS money involved. And what IS money, exactly? Paper? Currency? Why is it there? Why must we spend our ONE and ONLY (as far as we know) life working away doing something we hate? Because that makes us "Responsible." What the fuck is responsibility and who in their right mind decided we're terrible people if we don't have it? Why is it this way? Does it HAVE to be this way? There has GOT to be more. I know it. I feel it.
FUCK.
FUCKKK!!!
That's it. Just "FUCK!!"
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